A Dubious Anniversary

You remembered.  This blog didn't show it, but lots of us did.  It's still as unspeakably sad as it was a year ago.  The material remains of her earthly existence are frozen under the roots of a tree next to a beautiful, lazy - and currently icy - river.  Our memories run slow as well. 

How a year ago, devoted friends and family gathered in a dark midwinter night at her church to build a fort of prayer to sustain her.  How her family gathered around her to share their last moments together, knowing she was leaving and having no idea how much it would hurt when she was gone, and the cleft it would leave in their hearts, minds, bodies, spirits.  

And yet much has happened.  Though it seemed nothing much could have mattered at all to those closest to her, time - like it does - has rendered milestones, accomplishments, a year bearing memories of its own.  Even if many of them are "The First Time Since Mom/Chris Left Us" that such a thing had happened. 

There was her birthday, the boys' and Mark's birthdays, her diagnosis, her 20th anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve and yesterday.  She was trying to get to the transplant.  Trying to stay alive for her boys.  Nobody ever fought harder through a more rotten disease.  

They say that when certain people get a horrible diagnosis, that they respond by shaking off all the small stuff that bogs down everyday life.  The flotsam that takes up 40% of our consciousness - or more! - with petty indecencies, slights and perceived inequities of our lives.  The things to do with lawns, the state of our mufflers, teeth, salaries, siblings, invitations and so on.  The tone of her voice when she told me that!  The length of time it now takes to drive from here to there.  Why my hair won't behave any longer.  Who got the higher score on -

You get the picture.

Before knowing she had acute myelogenous leukemia, she got caught up that stuff just as much as the rest of us did.  But somehow, it all kind of fell away when she was diagnosed that day in early July.  And after that, she was almost like a peaceful sage amongst us a lot of the time.  Gentle, loving and focused on the bigger picture pretty much.  I'd like to think that her state of being during that period was a big gift she left to all of us.  If you knew her then, you knew the best of her.  She was tired, but not beaten.  Scared, but not lost.  Daunted, but always focused on what truly mattered.  Her beautiful smile and gorgeous spirit were never moreso than during those months.  

I'd like to think that we can all agree that the passing of this lovely light from us should at a minimum serve to remind us that life is short.

So . . . be nice. 

Hug them tight.

Love your family with all your might.

Keep your faith more with each test.

Always believe that you are blessed.

Comments

[Tara Lorson]

I can't believe it has been a year already. It seems as if that can't be true. As I watched Drew on that day, I wondered if he felt the same. He wore that same smile, cracked his little jokes with me, and listened to every word I uttered in class...because that's the kind of boy Chris has raised. Strong, sweet, smart, and grounded in life. He rises above and carries on day to day with a grace that I am very sure I wouldn't be able to display, let alone possess. He is the best memory of her that I get to witness everyday:)

Our school was raising Pennies for Patients to be donated to Leukemia Research in lieu of the anniversary of Chris' passing. My class has felt the loss their friend has experienced and it became their mission to help and show they care. My homeroom consists of 19 young fourth grade kids. In two weeks, they alone brought in a total of $417.25 to donate to this cause! I think Chris would love the drive they have displayed in their hearts:) They did it to show a friend they care and to help those who are fighting this disease today. This accomplishment of a few kids is another thing Chris has left behind. A kindness in our hearts and the want to help others. That can be hard to instill in our children, but I got to witness this at its finest:) Thanks Chris...you have left your mark in so many ways on this tiny community:)

[kelly fox]

alwyas on our minds and always in our hearts. you are the most beautiful angel!!!

[Still thinking of you]

As someone who just lost a loved one, I can't imagine a year from now still living in this world without him. My prayers are with you Mark. I can only now imagine the strength it takes for you to get through each day. I'm feeling much like life is a cruel joke & the punch line isn't funny. You & your boys will continue to be in our thoughts & prayers.