You remembered. This blog didn't show it, but lots of us did. It's still as unspeakably sad as it was a year ago. The material remains of her earthly existence are frozen under the roots of a tree next to a beautiful, lazy - and currently icy - river. Our memories run slow as well.
How a year ago, devoted friends and family gathered in a dark midwinter night at her church to build a fort of prayer to sustain her. How her family gathered around her to share their last moments together, knowing she was leaving and having no idea how much it would hurt when she was gone, and the cleft it would leave in their hearts, minds, bodies, spirits.
And yet much has happened. Though it seemed nothing much could have mattered at all to those closest to her, time - like it does - has rendered milestones, accomplishments, a year bearing memories of its own. Even if many of them are "The First Time Since Mom/Chris Left Us" that such a thing had happened.
There was her birthday, the boys' and Mark's birthdays, her diagnosis, her 20th anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve and yesterday. She was trying to get to the transplant. Trying to stay alive for her boys. Nobody ever fought harder through a more rotten disease.
They say that when certain people get a horrible diagnosis, that they respond by shaking off all the small stuff that bogs down everyday life. The flotsam that takes up 40% of our consciousness - or more! - with petty indecencies, slights and perceived inequities of our lives. The things to do with lawns, the state of our mufflers, teeth, salaries, siblings, invitations and so on. The tone of her voice when she told me that! The length of time it now takes to drive from here to there. Why my hair won't behave any longer. Who got the higher score on -
You get the picture.
Before knowing she had acute myelogenous leukemia, she got caught up that stuff just as much as the rest of us did. But somehow, it all kind of fell away when she was diagnosed that day in early July. And after that, she was almost like a peaceful sage amongst us a lot of the time. Gentle, loving and focused on the bigger picture pretty much. I'd like to think that her state of being during that period was a big gift she left to all of us. If you knew her then, you knew the best of her. She was tired, but not beaten. Scared, but not lost. Daunted, but always focused on what truly mattered. Her beautiful smile and gorgeous spirit were never moreso than during those months.
I'd like to think that we can all agree that the passing of this lovely light from us should at a minimum serve to remind us that life is short.
So . . . be nice.
Hug them tight.
Love your family with all your might.
Keep your faith more with each test.
Always believe that you are blessed.
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